We take our Christmas music seriously here at HIH. And while we applaud the intentions behind the 30th anniversary rendition of Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" (Kudos for supporting Ebola relief efforts!) we can't help but sense how very staged and "put on" this feels. We can only imagine how many publicists died to make this happen.
Therefore we decided to rev up the Snark Machine and spend some time unleashing what we really thought of this overstuffed cornucopia of pop stars. And to answer the age-old question: No, we DON'T think they know (or care) that it's Christmas. Because, y'know, death, starvation, and the will to live.
Here we go...
00:09: Who was clamoring for Seal on this bad boy? Does England really lack other relevant singers? Is Seal a big deal? Am I the irrelevant one here?
00:13: I’d like to thank Ed Sheeran for convincing tweens worldwide that men who look like me (scraggly gingers) are sexy and soulful. He tricked everyone, and we all reap the benefits.
00:19: Oh Jesus. Get the 1D boys out of the way. Front load. Niall is really giving this some thought.
00:27: You show ‘em how its done, Eddy. Is this really what he sounds like? Girls like this?
00:35: Is this Rita Ora? What does a Rita Ora look like? Ooooh, the beat drops.
00:45: Oh they did invite other famous people. Hi, Sam Smith.
00:52: Who’s this girl? I’m gonna call her Lana Del Lohan.
Um, that'd be Paloma Faith.
1:00: Fresh off the uncoupling, Chris Martin shows up to put on some headphones. Remember in the last Live Aid rehash he got the part the 1D boys got? Basically, if you don’t open this song or you aren’t Bono, you barely rate. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
1:10: Who is this person? Was Sting not around? Even the engineer seems surprised to see him...just who is that guy in the white T and black cap?
HM: That'd be the producer of the song, Paul Epworth. He's also Adele's producer. He is quite handsome. Actually, he kinda looks like Brandon Flowers from The Killers, no?
KW: Oh, hey girl hey. He is really hot.
1:18: Okay, so he’s ridiculous, but I’d have so much sex with Dan from Bastille and his stupid hair and dumb zig zag shirt and overblown voice. Dan, call me.
But, man these new lyrics are rough.
1:22: Bono, pre-bike injury, waiting for his time to incite the Clarion call. Again, I don’t know who’s singing right now.
1:27: I do know who’s singing right now (It’s Apple’s dad). Do you think he named his daughter Apple to repay Steve Jobs for all the great product placement his band got in those Apple ads?
1:35: Okay, so I have one dream that will never be realized. Okay, I have many dreams that will never be realized, but this one especially so: I want to be invited to this fucking party one year, or any sort of charity sing-along event. This will not happen because I a) can’t sing and b) am not as famous or infamous as Dan Akroyd. But in my dreams, I step up to the mic and I deliver the great Bono line, or maybe the Cyndi Lauper “OH WHOA WHOA WHOA” in USA for Africa, and it’s a great searing call to arms, and for years to come, during the holidays, at karaoke, everyone will want to sing my part when their friends get up and do this song.
That being said: this is his Bono’s weakest iteration ever.
1:45: Okay, Seal. Enough.
1:55: I understand the need for “distinctive” vocals in these things (it IS supposed to be on the radio right? The BBC or something?), but man, nobody REALLY wants to hear Ellie Goulding try to sing.
Maybe Skrillex still does.
Oh good. She got in a whoooooo.
2:02: Oh wow. It's like you smashed Seal’s relevance with Ellie Goulding’s straining and what came out was a big mushy Sinead O’Rebellion.
2:20: The 1D Boys are back, followed by someone I’ll call “Blandly Cute Blonde Guy.” I’m gonna check the roster and guess that this is probably Olly Murs.
BLANDLY cute? Olly is freakin' adorable.
2:22: Hot Dan and his ugly band! And Sam Smith looking every bit the “male Adele.”
2:28: That girl in the red pantsuit is back. Is she Santa?
How DARE you say that about Rita Ora. Just because she has three white whiskers on her chin...
2:30: Remember on the last re-do of this when they let Dizzee Rascal rap over this part? Thank GOD they didn’t do that again.
2:38: What happened to Bob Geldof? Did he just show up, take a picture and leave?
2:41: Being famous and hanging out with famous people and doing presumptively important things looks really fun, I will say that. Just imagine I’m Ed Sheeran in this situation.
The boys from Bastille, however, look like they’re wondering how to monetize this situation.
2:49: Do you think they put Ellie Goulding and Sinead O’Connor next to each other so they could isolate and remove them from the mix?
2:53: Ed Sheeran just reminded me I need to shave.
2:55: Chris Martin and heir apparent, Sexy Dan.
2:59: Bland Blonde and I have the same dance moves.
3:05: Does Phil Collins still not do the drumming in these things?
3:15: Someone just tried to steal the spotlight, good on engineer man for pulling her back in the mix. This is about Africa, not about your career. Oh wait, it is about your career?
How much of this is for the video and how much of this is how they ACTUALLY recorded it? This recording studio has amazingly moody lighting. I’m surprised Madonna didn’t phone in for this.
3:25: Oh. There’s Bob Geldof. All is right in the world (except, apparently, in Africa).
HERE'S THE WHOLE DAMN THING: