When HIH/Bello editor extraordinaire Hiko Mitsuzuka asked me to attend the premiere of The Cottage (starring David Arquette and Kristen Dalton), I asked what I always ask before agreeing to an assignment:"Will there be wine and dancing?" and although I was told, "categorically NO DANCING!" I went with an open mind and my compadre (aka spiritual advisor) Courtney, to control my overt campiness.
The premiere was held at The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, with the entire cast in tow. Also in attendance were director Chris Jaymes, Lexi Ainsworth, Jordan Beckett, Judd Nelson, Jessie Rabideau, producer Bettina Tendler O'Mara and a certain Mr. Jack Nicholson. The hive positively buzzed around his honeypot, as he excreted Nicholsonness with every step. Even I wanted to suckle upon his magnificent teat in the hope some of that awesomeness might rub off. Fortunately I was advised that was a sentiment best kept to myself.
I can sum up The Cottage in one word—creepy. In the opening scene I initially feared "torture porn," but thankfully that was far from the case. This is an old-fashioned psychological thriller, where suspense builds gradually. Don't get me wrong, there's definitely murder and mayhem, just not the gratuitous kind. Instead, it concentrates on a mood of constant uneasiness. Let's face it: teenage polygamy and underage brides never make for "cheerful" themes, but kudos to director Christopher Jaymes for choosing the non-exploitive route. Kristen Dalton also proves an unexpected badass, but my favorite cast member by far was "the sullen sister" Morissa O'Mara. She maintained the expression of the perpetually pissed-off, which I personally grew really quite fond of. David Arquette naturally embodies quirky-creepy, which had the same horrid effect on me as Edward Norton (in American History X.) He's a sexual confuser! My head said "don't like!", my heart said "be afraid!" but Vera Vadge down there, well, she was saying something else. Mmmm, this must be how John Mayer feels about black women.
"There's definitely a Manson vibe," said the indie horror flick director Jaymes, admitting the whole film was shot "in less than two months." Which, even I have to admit, is bloody impressive stuff. Although I remain unsure as to what happened to the family cat, as he/she was never officially slain. I'm confident in the belief kitty still resides in the guest house.
The after party was at David Arquette's club Bootsy Bellows, which is where things all went a bit pear shaped for me. I started seeing Lynchesque femme fatales and vaudevillians participating in shenanigans, and by the time I consumed my fifth fishbowl of Pinot I discovered the dancing marionettes!
Everything from there was a blur of newfound friends, Brazilian models, Boy Meets World references, pockets full of candy, a Malaysian media mogul, a boy from Oz (the country, not the prison show), champagne sparklers, and a 6-foot-6-inch Hawaiian. I'm not 100% who half these people are in these photos and there's a distinct possibility I tackled that Arquette fellow, like a gluten-deprived linebacker. It's hard to tell if he's smirking or just really annoyed. Regardless, I'm proud to announce I was the victor in that particular rumble as this picture will attest.
Ta Ta Kids!
PLOT: Chloe (Dalton) and Michael Carpenter (Victor Brown), a struggling suburban couple, have no idea what they’re in for when they rent out the cottage behind their house to a quiet, charming romance novelist named Robert Mars (Arquette).
RELEASE DATE: DVD – October 9, 2012