HIH's resident American Idol expert, Matt Emert, couldn't resist venting his thoughts on last night's yawn-inducing results...
For the three of you who still watch American Idol, you may have noticed a pattern over the last 5 years...
Season 7's winner: David Cook (cute, semi-talented white guy with a guitar)...Season 8's winner: Kris Allen (cute, semi-talented white guy with a guitar)...Season 9's winner: Lee Dewyze (cute, semi-talented white guy with a guitar)...Season 10's winner: Scotty McCreery (cute, semi-talented white guy with a guitar)...
And as of last night, America crowned a new winner for Season 11, Phillip Phillips...a cute, semi-talented white guy with a guitar...and some cruel parents (I mean, really, Phillip Phillips?).
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that this show has not only hit a plateau, it has crashed to a standstill. It’s painfully obvious that it's no longer a talent search. Long gone are the days when Kelly Clarkson blew audiences away with her impeccable Aretha Franklin covers. Or when Fantasia Barrino proved that you could be a single, African-American mom with a raspy voice and still win over the hearts of the country. Long gone are the days when true vocal ability won over tween girl appeal. Or when eccentric, flamboyant singers had a fighting chance to beat the safe, down-home style of singer-songwriters perfectly packaged for those flyover states (Kris Allen beating Adam Lambert calls for a simple "WTF?").
After all, the show no longer represents all of America. It arguably now represents a section of America we "bubble states" (New York, California) have been accused of ignoring -- the Middle. It also clearly indicates just how many girls between the ages of 9 and 14 watch this show.
I, like many former die-hard Idol viewers, had gotten tired of watching the same singer win every single year -- and then never hearing anything from him again (C'mon, Lee Dewyze?). I actually didn’t even tune in this season until last night's finale, in which I was not at all surprised to see cute, Caucasian guitar player Phillip Phillips beat the supremely talented, bi-racial Jessica Sanchez. I have to admit, up until the results were announced, I still held on to a glimmer of hope that Idol viewers had wised up after 4 years of crowning the wrong contestant and chose talent and diversity over looks and uniformity. But alas, I was wrong. And so, as we move into the (unfortunately inevitable) next season of AI, I’ve come up with what I think should be included in the casting call bulletin:
“Think you’re the next American Idol? If you checked “yes” to all of the following questions, then come out and audition for Season 12!”
- Are you male?
- Are you white? OK, well do you at least look white?
- Do you have a cute face?
- Do you have a cute smile?
- Are you soft-spoken?
- Do you have an accent? Well, are you at least so inarticulate that you sound like you have an accent?
- Do you play a guitar? (Bonus points if you play a guitar AND make facial expressions while playing so that you look like you’re having an orgasm or experiencing a bowel movement)
- Do you have a solid religious foundation? (Bonus points if you’re a youth pastor)
- And most importantly – do you have nothing more than a mediocre level of talent?
“Then you could be the next American Idol!”