Volume V, issue no. 4 of The Weekly Wonder
March 24 – March 30, 2008
Well, my Brightly Colored Hard-boiled Egglets, Here it is, another Monday morning and the line is forming at the counter at Café Tropical. Hooray! Another week down, another one to go! Peering into the week ahead it’s all sunshine and clear skies until the weekend. Even then there’s no clouds, actually, but the sun might be a little too bright. Wear your soulshades, Little Darlin’s. Basically we’ve got all sorts of harmonious aspects between Mercury, Venus, Uranus and Jupiter up until Friday, especially for Water and Earth signs. It’s a great week to discuss, talk amongst yourselves, and cause world peace. However, all along, burbling under the surface is a pending square between the Sun exalted in Aries and Mars in detriment in Cancer that comes to a head Sunday. At that point let’s just hope that your peace talks have been direct, causative, and addressed real issues, otherwise all your hard work may come undone. Those most affected are Cancers born around the first of July, like Lindsay Lohan, born July 2, 1986. As for the rest of you lot, buck up! Let’s get crackin’! It’s another week, all fresh with no mistakes yet made in it!
The Stars that You Are
Weekly Horoscopes: Remember to read for the sign on your ascendant too!
Aries
Aries, I see a shooting gallery in your future! Spend the first part of the week getting all your ducks in a row, especially Monday, Thursday, and Friday. By Sunday your trigger finger will be seriously itchy and there’s not a lot you can do to stop shooting. Luckily your aim is spot on, so while you’re setting your sights early in the week you may as well start planning which of those giant teddy bears you’re going to pick when asked to choose your prize. After the quiet of the last few months it’s good to be moving again, so put down this horoscope immediately and get out there on the range! You can’t miss!
Taurus
Babies have the right idea. There’s hardly any problem that can’t be solved by a pacifier. Don’t take this the wrong way, Taurus, but you’re easily distracted by things that make you happy too. It’s pretty awesome, actually, and this week you’ve not only got the right idea, but you make us all see the sense in it too. Go on; tell us what we want to hear. Not only are you right, spot on, and DO know better, but you’re uncharacteristically chatty and willing to kiss us to make it better. Try your powers Monday, Thursday, and Friday. By Sunday you’ll only have to say “binky,” to make us stop crying and start to coo.
Gemini
John Lennon said that life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans, but sometimes the best plans come to us when we’re busy living our lives, or just doing ANYTHING but making plans. You’re up to something, Gemini, and this is the week to make sure that whatever it is, your plans are as air tight as humanly possible. The funny thing is that it may occur to you as if you’re not working hardly at all. But I assure you, you are, and in fact, this might be the best laid plan you’ve ever laid. Don’t be surprised if nothing you plan works, but you end up getting everything you wanted anyway.
Cancer
England and Japan share some singular distinctions. Firstly, sadomasochism is more commonplace in those two countries than in any others and secondly, they are notorious for their confirmed etiquette around tea drinking. Bear this in mind, Cancer, because this week although you may feel like an island, inhabitants on islands necessarily develop elaborate methods of interacting when they can’t get away from one another. You’ve been brewing over something and it’s time to pour the tea. You may have to ask permission to pour, but sometimes asking permission is the best part. Go on! Tip over!
Leo
Heather Mills asked for $250 Million, but only got $24 million. Paul McCartney wanted a civilized end to a bad relationship, but got a civilized indictment of a bad ex instead. Now he’s in the spotlight as a totally cool guy with integrity and a good heart. Despite the heinous publicity around their nasty divorce, both parties got something out of it. Leo, you’ve got some stuff to figure out with someone in your life and this week they’re up to working through it with you. It may not go exactly the way you want it to, but it will go, and then it will be gone. Look to get something out of it you’re not asking for.
Virgo
I saw a headline recently suggesting that office workers actually LOVE meetings, even though they complain about them. I didn’t read the article, but I imagine it went on at length about the value of consensus building and making people feel a part of a team. If you don’t work in an office, Virgo, this week you should think about joining one, since you’ll be an excellent team leader and everyone’s going to see something for themselves in your suggestions. You may feel buried under appointments and meetings, but you don’t need me to tell you it’s for a good cause. Now get out there and spread the word!
Libra
The exact origin of the expression “stick to your guns” is lost to history, but clearly it means to man your machine gun until you can’t pull the trigger anymore. Libra, I don’t know WHAT you’ve been up to, but for a lover, not a fighter, you’re really facing some military metaphors lately. This week you’ve got your diplomatic work cut out for you early on and some help making it, but by the weekend your peace talks may be feeling less evolved and more contrived and it may be time for some good old-fashioned Kicking A@#! Sometimes it matters less HOW you win the war, just so long as you win it.
Scorpio
The woodshed has long been a metaphor for that place out back where dangerous things happen, but maybe it’s because as a society we’re suspicious when someone spends time away from the rest. But if we didn’t spend time alone how could we appreciate the time we share? Scorpio you’ve been busy out there in the woodshed, and whatever you’ve been up to come Sunday there’s gonna be a “big reveal.” It’s up to you to spend the early part of the week getting us ready. Remember that while you’ve been thinking about nothing else, we’re not all on the same track. If you want a good reception carry the product of your efforts rather than the axe on your way back to the main house.
Sagittarius
Feelings are confusing, Sag. We often mistake our feelings for facts, when of course they aren’t. On the other hand, if we ignore our feelings, than we run the risk of living very unhappy lives indeed. Feelings may not be TRUE, but they are the truest test of our experience of what IS true. This week, Sag, you’ll be feeling especially feelingful on Tuesday and Wednesday and inclined to express it. People around you magically believe what you say so make sure the reality you paint for them is one you want to believe in too, because come Sunday, it’s gonna be time to do a bit more than talk about it.
Capricorn
Andy Warhol said he used to get really het up about all sorts of things, just really involved and exhausted emotionally. Then one day he learned to say one simple word no matter what happened, however great or bad. The word is “so,” as in “my dog just died. So?” Or, “I just won an Oscar. So?” After he learned to say this word he became much more effective and life was easier. Cappy, repeat after me: your life is full, exciting, and really actually WORKING. Early on this week when things are going your way practice saying “so?” By Sunday when things get a difficult you’ll be glad you did. So?
Aquarius
Sometimes when a button doesn’t do what it’s supposed to we keep pushing it anyway and then just when we’re about to completely give up the engine or person or whatever we’re pushing just ROARS to life and away we go. Aquarius, in a month everything that’s giving you trouble right now will take on a whole new look, and you’ll have your shot at resetting a button that’s currently malfunctioning. This week keep pushing that button, even if it doesn’t work right away. Just push it with nothing more than hope and stubborn willpower on your side. Fortunately you’ve never been short of either of those.
Pisces
Recent studies suggest that people capable of deceiving themselves live happier lives. While this might not work in your favor if you lie to yourself about a lover’s fidelity, it certainly works in your favor if you are an Olympic athlete with a sprained toe before a big meet. Pisces, this week you can tell yourself any old lie you like and you WILL. BELIEVE. IT. I suggest you make it a good one and go for the gold. Remember, this year is about breaking down what doesn’t work in your life and making something new and shiny. This week you’ll get a glimpse of what that might be. Make it a colossus.
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