What lies in store for this week's little birthday darlings, Halle Berry and Shawn Pyfrom? Well, with a tight planetary stellium in Leo, this year could accurately be summed in in one word: intense. This week's Leo also has Mars and Jupiter sextiling and trining Leo. Yup, it's gonna be one for the record books. With Venus retrograde there will likely be some faint nostalgia, a whiff of regret, and a bit of inner questing for what it all means, especially with regard to the relationships in your life. However, with Saturn and Jupiter both direct it's time to proclaim "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!!" Which is what people say when they have such a confident vision of what must be done that risks occur only as spurs and incentives. So what are you doing reading this column, ma biche? You have armies to conquer and glory to accrue! Allez! Allez!
Remember: You Have a Future!!!!
The Stars that You Are
Weekly Horoscopes: Remember to read for the sign on your ascendant too!
Andy Warhol once said that no matter what happened in life he had a fail proof method to deal with it. Once he discovered this method it changed him forever. The thing is to add one word to the end of a sentence describing whatever is occurring. The word is "so?" "My dog died. So?" "I'm nominated for an Oscar. So?" "I think my wife is cheating on me. So?" This might be a good week to practice that, Aries, as the twists are coming so fast and furious down the turnpike it's gonna be hard to keep up. You may have a lot riding on the outcome of this week, but you just gotta ask yourself one thing: So?
There's a blogsite called Fat Wonder Woman created by an animator and cartoonist to celebrate images of Wonder Woman as a plus size. Being appreciative of all things sensual, you are no stranger to the bigger is better theory, Taurus, but this week you may find you've bit off more than you can chew. With your chart ruler in retrograde conjunct a bunch of heavy hitters squaring your sign there may be a woman, arts project, or something food related looming larger in your life than is really comfortable. Time to grab that lasso and board your invisible plane. What would Fat Wonder Woman do?
With transits like the ones you're going through right now, who needs coffee? On the other hand, you may not be sleeping much anymore, which might make coffee the only thought in your mind when you wake up. It's a vicious cycle, 'cause right now things really demand your focused attention and there is only so much caffeine can do to provide that. At some point you really just need sleep. So start pacing yourself, Gemini. I know it's hectic and rushed and all very intense, but these transits are going to last through to the end of September and you need to last too. Seriously. Get some sleep. You need it.
Last week technicians stopped Big Ben's hands and turned the clock off for much needed maintenance. Wouldn't it be great if they could do the same for us? Put us into a deep sleep and make adjustments, clean our whirly-gigs and replace broken bits and bobs... Then when we wake up we're brand new and ready to tackle another 150 years. This week, Cancer, you may be suffering fatigue, ennuis, or some other vague French sounding semi-malaise. But just 'cause you can't stop time doesn't mean you can't clean your clock. This week set your home to rights. You'll be good for another 150 days, at least.
Sam Jones, A.K.A. Flash Gordon is 53 this week. Celebrate by renting that great eighties epic and settling down for some serious superhero lovin'. If you have time, of course, 'cause this week you're busy with your own superhero duties. The new moon on the 12th sets off the planetary stellium in your sign making this week a good one for rocket launches and space exploration. It's like everything is new again, but only because you've lived through it before. This time you can really take advantage of it. If you were a movie Queen would so be writing your soundtrack. Go Flash Go! Go Flash Go!!!!
Hoo Boy, Virgo. Remember that Timex commercial about the watch that keeps on ticking? It could be you right now. And the first step towards being indestructible is faith that one is. It's a peculiar phenomenon, but at this point you'll know what I'm talking about. The past few months have seen you stumbling over some matter in your life, but now that Jupiter's gone direct the block is dislodged, and what was muddy is now clear. But it gets better - you've got serious energy to burn putting your idea in motion, and next week when Mercury enters your sign all bets are off. Who's doing the lickin' now???
You've entered a time warp, Libra. Everything is speeding up but it's going so fast it's like it's standing still. It doesn't take a bungee jump or a car collision to cause the brain to go slo-mo. Sometimes all it takes to feel as if you're going over a cliff is seeing a new version of yourself come into view. That's 'cause plunging into oneself may require a far greater leap of faith than going over the falls in a barrel. This week certain things will come clear and you may wonder how it is you didn't see them before, but you couldn't possibly have seen the water overhead until you were under it. Enjoy the ride.
Whenever a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer said anything along the lines of how something couldn't get worse, stranger, or more angsty, it invariably did. Wheresoever you may fall just now, Scorpio, you may be tempted to think it couldn't be more of whatever it already is. That's where you would be wrong, but don't despair! Those were also some of the funniest moments on the show, and almost always precipitated some serious slayage of real badness. Some people are born to greatness, whilst others are dragged into it kicking and screaming. This week, Scorpio, it's time to get rampagey.
The Big Apple tempts people to bite into it when they go there to make it, but no one likes having a bite taken out of them. Usually it precipitates a bite back. Besides, if everyone took a bite there would be nothing left. Right? Well, that's what some biblical authorities would have us believe. From the time the story was first told we've lamented Eve ever took a bite out of that apple and condemned us to mortality. This week, Sag, find out for yourself. It's time to open your mouth and take a bite. You may get bit back, but so what? An apple a day keeps the doctor away, 'cause biting into one is living.
There's a buzzing all around, like a gnat that won't settle in one place. Until it does you won't know where to land your fly swatter, but all you're gonna wanna do is land it somewhere. Curses! In times like these there's only one thing left to do! Sing with me! Shoo fly, don't bother me! Shoo fly, don't bother me! Shoo fly, don't bother me, for I belong to somebody! Repeat until you believe it! I feel, I feel, I feel like a morning star! I feel, I feel, I feel like a morning star! Silly old fly. Doesn't he know he's no match for your Capricorn stick? Now wave it around like the wand it really is! Shoo fly!
Someone has caught your eye and they caught that they caught your eye and now you're just caught. Whew. But you know, Aquarius, that person is really just a reflection of something inside you that you need to bring out. The past two years of relationships have caused a revolution in terms of how you see yourself. As this epic period draws to a close you are meeting people who put all your hard won lessons into practice. It's time to be the person you want to meet instead of finding yourself in the people you meet and the people you meet are evidence of that. Thoughtful of them, isn't it?
Did you ever hear of a movie called The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh? It's about a basketball team so down on their luck they seek the help of an astrologer. They follow her advice and recruit an entire team of Pisces with the style of the Village People! They have an unprecedented winning streak that lands them in the league championships! Pisces, this movie tells your story. You are on the verge of Some Kind of Incredible and it doesn't look like anything anyone other than me could have predicted! The odds are odd, but that's good. You're a cult hit in the making! Now go save Pittsburgh!